


Are We On the Internet?

by hummus_tea



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Everyone lives together in the Xhorhaus and makes YouTube videos, F/F, F/M, I didn't want to figure out a world where magic and YouTube both exist sry, I've been watching a lot of Sidemen lately and it shows, It is extremely chaotic, M/M, Modern AU, Sort Of, YouTube, no magic because the worldbuilding got too complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29012943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hummus_tea/pseuds/hummus_tea
Summary: The Mighty Nein all live together in the Xhorhaus and make YouTube videos together and on their own channels. It is Very Chaotic.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast, Yeza Brenatto/Nott | Veth Brenatto
Comments: 14
Kudos: 94





	Are We On the Internet?

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading a lot of chatfics and watching a lot of Sidemen and Critical Role lately and it all came together like this!

**Mighty Nein Intro and FAQ**  
The Mighty Nein  
770K views · 4 hours ago

[Location: Xhorhaus kitchen. Jester is in front of the camera, weighing flour into a small bowl. There are other ingredients weighed out on the counter. A Bengal cat jumps up on the counter and flops down dramatically on a stack of measuring spoons. Jester stops what she’s doing, sighs theatrically, and stomps off-screen.]

Jester: “CALEB!! COME GET YOUR STUPID CAT OUT OF THE KITCHEN I’M TRYING TO FILM!”

Caleb: “SORRY NO STUPID CATS HERE ONLY A PERFECT BOY WHO HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE”

[The cat bats at some utensils, knocking them onto the floor]

[Cut to Mighty Nein intro animation]

[Cut to Xhorhaus living room. The Mighty Nein are arrayed across a large sectional couch, in various standard and less-standard ways of interacting with furniture.]

Fjord: “Hello and welcome to the Xhorhaus!”

[The rest of the party interjects, screaming “HELLO” or simply making nonsense sounds.]

Fjord: “...yes, that. Well we’ve had a _lot_ of new subscribers recently, welcome to all of you! So we thought we’d do an intro video since it’s been a while. We’ll talk a bit about ourselves and our other channels, then do some FAQs.”

Veth: “I’M GOING FIRST”

Fjord: “Yes, that is what we agreed to, you don’t have to—go ahead, Veth.”

Veth: “Hi new viewers! I’m Veth, AKA NottTheBrave! On my channel I’m a paranormal investigator along with Molly here.” [Mollymauk waves from his position, draped backwards over the back of the couch] “I’m actually the only one of the Nein who doesn’t live here full-time: the rest of the time I live with my husband and son in Nicodranas. I collect buttons and I’m in recovery. We’re talking about identity stuff too right? I’m cis and straight, she/her pronouns.”

Molly [still upside down]: “I can go next. I’m Mollymauk, AKA MTMolly. Genderfluid, pansexual, any pronouns work. I’m a semi-reformed circus freak, part-time paranormal investigator, part-time stunt performer, and part-time sex worker.”

Beau [whispered]: “And full-time asshole.”

[Molly winks at the camera]

Jester: “Hiiiiii, I’m Jester, AKA LittleSapphire! I make videos of my baking adventures and while the food is in the oven I do tarot readings for subscribers. I’m straight, demisexual, and cis: she/her pronouns. I have a dog and a weasel, I’m an only child, and yes, my mama is Marion Lavorre.”

Veth [scandalized]: “How could you introduce your own pets before introducing FRUMPKIN.”

Jester: “Caleb has to introduce Frumpkin!! Caleb, you go next.”

Caleb: “Oh, hallo. I’m Caleb, AKA CalebWidogast. I mostly stream Minecraft and the Sims. I’m in charge of the interior design and tech support for the Haus. I’m...questioning? My orientation? He/him though.”

Molly: “And we support you!”

Caleb: “And this—” [He gestures to the Bengal cat draped over his shoulders] “—is my cat, Frumpkin. He is the best of all of us and has his own YouTube channel, FrumpkinCam.”

Beau [sitting on the back of the couch behind Yasha, braiding Yasha’s hair]: “Sup, I’m Beau, AKA CobaltSwole. I’m a cis lesbian, she/her pronouns. I do martial arts and sports videos, a lot of fitness or skill challenges.”

Jester: “Also politics.”

Beau: “Yeah, politics too. I’m also in training to become a falconer so it’s like a 50:50 chance I’ll yell about birds or like, why monarchies are bad. Hey Yasha! You go next!”

Yasha: “Oh! Oh, ok. Hallooo, I’m Yasha. I’m...also a lesbian.”

Beau: “Yeah you are, babe!” [Yasha blushes]

Yasha: “I go by OrphanMaker. I...make music. I...collect musical instruments and pressed flowers. I like bugs.”

Fjord: “And we’re all glad you don’t bring them into the house. But also specifically, you make all the music for our videos and it’s amazing. I am Fjord, or CaptainTuskTooth. I’m bi and demisexual, he/him. Somehow in a house full of YouTubers we only have two video game streamers…? Anyway I’m the other one. I stream calm games like Stardew Valley and flight simulators.”

[A pause; everyone looks at Fjord. He squirms, then sighs deeply.]

Fjord: “ _And_ , when I hit subscriber goals I stream a horror game, because my friends all seem to enjoy watching me suffer.”

Molly: “And we all love you for indulging us, Captain!”

Jester: “I always bake you pie afterwards!”

[Fjord blushes and smiles shyly at Jester]

Fjord: “...you do, and it’s amazing. Ok, I think that just leaves Cad?”

Caduceus: “Hi there. I’m Caduceus. I’m DeadPeopleTea. I’m aro-ace, mostly male but fine with any pronouns. On my channel I talk about tea and give advice to people sending in questions.”

Fjord: “And sometimes people even follow your advice!”

Caduceus: “Very rarely. But that’s ok, everyone has to come to their own truth in their own time.”

Molly: “Caleb, I know Frumpkin is the best of all of us, but I think we can agree that Caduceus is the best of us on two legs.”

[Everyone nods seriously]

Jester: “Okayyyyyyyy next question! How did we all meet?”

Veth: “Caleb and I met in prison!”

Caleb: “We were in a holding cell overnight.”

Veth [screeching]: “We were HARDENED CRIMINALS!!”

Caleb: “You were drunk and I was picked up for sleeping on a park bench.”

Molly: “I want to meet the versions of us Veth has in her head. They sound cooler than we do.”

Jester: “Me and Fjord went to the same school growing up, and then we met Beau on a college tour where none of us were actually interested in going to that college.”

Beau: “Ha, Fjord, remember when you thought you wanted to major in mathematics? That woulda been hilarious.”

Fjord: “Yes, good thing I had such _sage advice_ from my friends, who instead told me to become a YouTuber. Much more stable career path.”

Jester: “You wouldn’t be living in a huge house like this on a mathematician's salary, that’s for sure. And then Caleb actually was going to that school and Fjord met with him about being a math major, and they HATED each other at first.”

Caleb and Fjord [together]: “We did not!”

Jester: “HATED. I think Fjord was a little jealous because Caleb was so good at math.” [Fjord sputters] “But you kept talking despite that and started getting along better and then Veth and I bonded over ghost stories and solving mysteries, and eventually the five of us all just folded into one big group.”

Molly: “Yasha is my adoptive sister! She and I used to be circus freaks together. She was the security guard and the one who got me out of trouble.”

Yasha: “I still do that.”

Molly: “I would _absolutely_ be dead by now if not for her. And then Veth and Caleb came to the circus one day and we hit it off—”

Caleb: “ _After_ Veth got caught trying to steal Yasha’s wallet.”

Molly: “Arguably because she did that. And then they introduced us to Fjord and Beau and Jester! And one by one we abandoned our _entirely respectable_ careers to start making YouTube videos.”

[A moment of silence. Caduceus sips his tea and fails to notice everyone is waiting for him. The camera zooms in slowly on him.]

Beau: “...And Cad?”

Caduceus: “Oh! Oh. I lost track of things there. Yes. Veth needed a place to film a video and found the Blooming Grove, and reached out to me as the caretaker there to see if I’d heard of any ghosts in the area—”

Veth: “It’s also called the BONE ORCHARD and really I don’t know why anyone would use Blooming Grove when there’s such a better name available.”

Caleb: “Sensible people stay away from ghosts, Veth.”

Fjord: “Good thing that’s none of us, then. Anyway, we all tagged along for the filming and it was...a very normal day. Extremely normal and chill.”

[Camera shows an internet poll rating “The Mighty Nein’s Most Chaotic Videos.” “Haunted Trip to the Bone Orchard” is on the top of the poll, followed by “The Mighty Nein Visit the Animal Shelter and Leave With an Appropriate Number of Pets” and “The Nein Learn to Sail and It Goes Very Well.”]

[Camera cuts back to Fjord as he stares into the middle distance reliving the Very Normal day. He visibly collects himself and clears his throat.]

Fjord: “...well. Here’s hoping we never do that ever again. I think that covers all of us though, right? Awesome, on to the next question. Caleb?”

Caleb: “People constantly ask why we’re called the Mighty Nein. It’s very simple. We needed a team name for a trivia tournament one night, and...there are nein of us.”

[Everyone stares straight-faced into the camera for an awkwardly long time. It is painfully clear that there are only 8 people in the room.]

Beau: “And on that note let’s talk about our sponsor for this video…”

[Ad read]

Veth: “We’re back!! With more questions! The next one we get a lot is what it’s like living in a big house with so many other people. I’m only here half the time so someone else should answer this.”

Jester: “You’re the best one to answer because you see it from the outside! We’re all used to the chaos.”

Veth: “...it is chaos. But I love it, really! There’s always food available or someone to talk to, but there’s enough space that you can hide if you don’t want to see anyone. I miss being here when I’m home, and I miss being home when I’m here.”

Caduceus: “You have two homes, I know the feeling. I like living here but also miss my family.”

Fjord: “For me, I’ve always lived with other people so wouldn’t know how to handle being alone at this point. Even when I don’t want to be social, I want to know there are people nearby? My thoughts are a weird place to be, I don’t like spending time there.”

Beau: “And yet you always run away when I try to get you to work out with me.”

Fjord: “I like your workouts _even less than_ my thoughts!”

Caleb: “They are uniquely terrible, yes. I nearly died.”

Beau: “You only made it through two pushups! So weak! Personally, I love living here. It makes meditation and studying harder but we get up to so much fun shit that it’s worth it. We all make each other’s content better, too.”

Molly: “Every week we all sit in the hot tub with a voice recorder going and shout out ideas for each other’s streams or for group videos.”

Jester: “We should just film that sometime, that would make a good video!”

Molly: “Is the world really ready to see our creative process at work, though? Are we ready to take responsibility for what that could unleash?”

Yasha [deadpan]: “It’s a big decision. We’d better go discuss it in the hot tub.”

[Beau blushes and falls off the back of the couch]

Jester [cackling]: “Ok, next question! Why do we live in Rosohna?”

Fjord: “Because everyone hates me and wants to watch me suffer far from the ocean.”

Molly: “We take joy from your pain, Fjord.”

[Everyone nods solemnly]

Beau [having climbed back to her previous spot on the couch] “But really it was because when we were house shopping, this one came up and was only a _little_ bit haunted and was bigger than all the other ones we looked at, and Xhorhas has a very generous work visa program, and flights are shockingly affordable to get back to the Menagerie Coast or the Empire.”

Fjord: “Only a little haunted. Yes.”

[Video link pops up on screen pointing to a NottTheBrave video titled “The Xhorhaus is haunted!!!” The preview picture shows an outside view of the front of the house, with Fjord running out of it in a state of panic, wearing only a towel around his waist, clearly having been scared out of the shower. There are no ghosts in sight.]

Caduceus: “We have one more question here. Everyone wants to know what our posting schedule is.”

Caleb: “We also want to know our posting schedule.”

Veth: “Come on, it’s so simple! We post Mighty Nein videos every week on Da’leysen. Caleb and Fjord stream every day except Yulisen and Da’leysen, and the streams go up on YouTube three days later. Beau and I post videos every other week on alternating Folsens. Everyone else posts weekly on the remaining days of the week except Yulisen. So there’s something new up almost every day!”

Yasha: “We can’t post anything on Yulisen because that’s hot tub day. It’s the rules.”

Molly: “Hey Fjord, if we got you a tiny boat to float around the hot tub, would you be less sad about being far from the ocean?”

Fjord: “.....maybe.”

Caleb: “You forgot FrumpkinCam.”

Jester: “Oh my GOSH we forgot FrumpkinCam, I’m sorry Frumpkin! We have a live feed of his cat tower up every day except Yulisen, because even cats get a day off. He also shows up in our videos a lot.”

Caleb [pretending to listen to something Frumpkin tells him]: “He says he is very sad that you forgot him and that he needs treats to make up for it.”

[Veth pulls a bag of cat treats out of one of the many pockets in her dress and everyone watches enraptured as Frumpkin accepts the apology gift]

Jester: “And that’s it for our FAQ episode! Great to have all you new viewers, like and subscribe to our channels, you know the drill. Thank you as always to Matthew for filming, editing, and transcribing all our videos! You are secretly a god.”

[Everyone waves. Matthew waves too, but from behind the camera so nobody can see it. Mighty Nein outro music plays.]


End file.
